Femininity (or the lack there of)

I often find my femininity called into question, as a consequence I am called to jump to the defense of my womanhood, to prove myself worthy of the title.

It happens, so frequently that I am often forced to justify my transitioning to others, why are you bothering? Why go through so much?. The onerous burden of proof rests on my shoulders, and I present very little tangible evidence for my case.

The problem is that I'm not stereotypically feminine, which numerous people I've come out to find difficult to grasp. It is almost certainly due to the fact I do not conveniently fit into the expectations that many have of trans women in this culture (or women in general)!

It's kind of exasperating because I loathe the labels "butch" and "masculine". I am by no means a hyper femme southern belle, girly girl covered in 3 layers of painstakingly crafted makeup, or a fashion model. But by the same token I am not a butch lesbian with carefully cropped hair, flannel and baggy pants. Not that there's anything wrong with being anything like those, it's just not me.

The main reason why I concern myself with this topic is that this typically has been used to put me in my place so to speak, to quite literally call into question my status as a woman. To put it bluntly, I do not have conform to anyones standards of femininity or masculinity, it does not change my gender anymore than my hair color does.

Realistically I have as many masculine interests as I do feminine, but that is an exceptionally common trait to the point of even calling this newsworthy is dull. Show me an individual that does not have a mix of masculine and feminine interests and traits! It only becomes an issue because I am addressing this disconnect between my gender identity and my body. I am for better or worse a woman, irregardless of how I present, what I do or whom I interact with. It as much a part of me as my personality and mind, and body.

Not quite so easy...

Oh sexual orientation you are a cruel mistress.

While my gender identity has been stable forever, this is far from true of my sexual orientation. It goes in waves. I've been straight, gay, bi, lesbian (depending on gender role) and really none seem to fit for long. I don't want to say i'm confused, but damn it's never static or a given with me.

I'll stick with both, because that's the easiest way to explain it.

Double Life

Currently I find myself in a double life. At school and work I feel like a drag king, doing the same routine everyday in front of co workers and colleagues. An excellent performer, or so I'm told. I can fake the male persona so well, years of practice in the role certainly does help.

It's draining, exhausting and truly an exercise in frustration. It is unfortunately a necessary falsehood. I risk a great deal if I out myself at work, losing my job for starters and then be unable to continue transitioning. It is unfortunately interwoven to school because my employment is tied into my graduate assistantship. Lose that and I can't fund school. If the environment where I worked offered protected status to trans and wasn't so damn conservative I wouldn't have these reservations, but that is simply not the case.

But outside of school and work there's no cloak and dagger game, nothing to hide, and nobody to worry about discovering anything. As a matter of principle, I am tempted to drop the act. I've done it everywhere else and accepted the consequences, losing friends, losing family and relationships all in the process.

So why not take the results of this? Because my goals are so close to fruition that the risk is unacceptable, if it means delays.

An Introduction of Sorts

Bio

So who am I? I’m in my early 20s grad student and researcher whom just happens to be a transwoman. I’ve been through a great deal of hardship and difficulty in my life, but rather than break me it only has given me strength.

About the Title

So contrary to what the title suggests this blog is not the newsletter for a militant transgender movement. Rather the title succinctly describes my experience with being trans as an active act of resistance against the prevailing notions of gender.

What to Expect

My musings and rants on trans issues, and the consequences of being trans. I've little intention of turning this into a journal and I will try to keep this updated on a regular basis.

Enough

I am tired of being a second class citizen. I am tired of being denied rights for virtue of my existence.

I am tired of having to have my sanity evaluated and deemed worthy in order to be myself.

I am tired of all the arbitrary requirements that make up this system of gate keeping.

I am tired of the lack of insurance coverage for any of this.

I am tired of the labels affixed to me by others.

I am tired of having to blatantly lie about my personal life at work, so that I don’t get fired for being myself.

I am tired of being silent.