29 October 2010

Not quite so easy...

Oh sexual orientation you are a cruel mistress.

While my gender identity has been stable forever, this is far from true of my sexual orientation. It goes in waves. I've been straight, gay, bi, lesbian (depending on gender role) and really none seem to fit for long. I don't want to say i'm confused, but damn it's never static or a given with me.

I'll stick with both, because that's the easiest way to explain it.



28 October 2010

Double Life

Currently I find myself in a double life. At school and work I feel like a drag king, doing the same routine everyday in front of co workers and colleagues. An excellent performer, or so I'm told. I can fake the male persona so well, years of practice in the role certainly does help.

It's draining, exhausting and truly an exercise in frustration. It is unfortunately a necessary falsehood. I risk a great deal if I out myself at work, losing my job for starters and then be unable to continue transitioning. It is unfortunately interwoven to school because my employment is tied into my graduate assistantship. Lose that and I can't fund school. If the environment where I worked offered protected status to trans and wasn't so damn conservative I wouldn't have these reservations, but that is simply not the case.

But outside of school and work there's no cloak and dagger game, nothing to hide, and nobody to worry about discovering anything. As a matter of principle, I am tempted to drop the act. I've done it everywhere else and accepted the consequences, losing friends, losing family and relationships all in the process.

So why not take the results of this? Because my goals are so close to fruition that the risk is unacceptable, if it means delays.


24 October 2010

An Introduction of Sorts

Bio

So who am I? I’m in my early 20s grad student and researcher whom just happens to be a transwoman. I’ve been through a great deal of hardship and difficulty in my life, but rather than break me it only has given me strength.


About the Title

So contrary to what the title suggests this blog is not the newsletter for a militant transgender movement. Rather the title succinctly describes my experience with being trans as an active act of resistance against the prevailing notions of gender.


What to Expect

My musings and rants on trans issues, and the consequences of being trans. I've little intention of turning this into a journal and I will try to keep this updated on a regular basis.

Enough

I am tired of being a second class citizen. I am tired of being denied rights for virtue of my existence.

I am tired of having to have my sanity evaluated and deemed worthy in order to be myself.

I am tired of all the arbitrary requirements that make up this system of gate keeping.

I am tired of the lack of insurance coverage for any of this.

I am tired of the labels affixed to me by others.

I am tired of having to blatantly lie about my personal life at work, so that I don’t get fired for being myself.


I am tired of being silent.